Samples:
Humor Essays:
For
This Kind of Work, Feel Free to Go Naked
How to
Succeed in Business Without Really Telling the Truth
Exit Strategy
A Love Like Mime
Red Flag From Cupid
Somebody Stop Me
Humor Essays About My Dating Life Appearing in the Los Angeles
Times:
Dating? Think of it as job
training
Trying for a 10 on the love
relationship scale
One-night stand jars his
one-track mind
We meet, we greet, then it's
happily never after
Finding a soul mate is a
numbers game, actually
Weekly World News:
New Lesbian Bible Boots Men Out of Good Book
Scientist Reveals: Thunder Caused by Fat People Doing Jumping Jacks
African Tribe Worships Salma Hayek's Breasts!
Improve Your Sex Life Tonight -- The Amish Way
Clinton Sets Sights on the Olsen Twins -- Friends Claim
Bush's Plan to Protect the White House: Paint it Black!
Disgusting Dishes From Around the World!
Scripts:
Wife For Sale
All Dan Curtis wants is a wife. Not a life partner, not a
significant other, not a soul mate... but a wife -- an
old-fashioned, cook-the-dinner, clean-the-house, raise-the-kids,
sexually-satisfy-the-husband kind of wife. But June Cleaver was half
a century ago -- that kind of woman is extinct. Today's woman has
evolved; she wants and expects it all. And so, unable to find a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad, Dan imports a
submissive mail-order bride from Japan—an Asian Barbie Doll. Keiko
is everything Dan ever dreamed of -- his ideal woman, whose only
thoughts are to make Dan happy. Life is sheer bliss, until a few
American women get their hands on Keiko and begin the process of
setting her straight. Before long, Keiko has transformed into a
mature, intelligent fully-evolved, modern woman who can think for
herself and who wants and expects it all – in other words, Dan’s
worst nightmare.
Jury Duty (co-written with Shelly Goldstein; Warner Bros. has the
rights)
A zany comedy about the one juror who, convinced the murder suspect
is innocent, sets out to find the real killer.
Last Man On Earth
Romantic comedy about a woman who wouldn’t give a certain man the
time of day if he were the last man on earth – and suddenly, he is.
Sons of Beaches
College students attempt to save their beloved beach from the oil
company intent on taking it over in this madcap comedy.
I Really, Really Didn’t Do It!
A man must undergo the comedic horrors of the American jail system,
after having been found guilty of a murder he didn’t commit, in this
outrageous, broad comedy, in the vein of "Airplane" and "Naked Gun."
Mind Tamer (co-written with Gabriel Grunfeld)
An 18-page treatment for a martial arts action-adventure epic. A
futuristic odyssey with the hard-edged visual excitement of Ridley
Scott and they mythical grandeur of George Lucas.
Jokes:
(All the following have appeared in the Los Angeles Times)
Kellog is planning a $15 million museum devoted to the history of
breakfast cereal. Visitors will be cautioned to use the restroom
facilities before passing through the Hall of Bran.
A 52 year old grandmother/prostitute has entered the Miss Nevada
pageant. She is heavily favored to win the talent portion of the
competition.
The Agriculture Department says inspectors will now use a new
scientific test instead of the old “see, touch, smell” method of
detecting bacteria in meat. In a related story, Courtney Love
announced she’ll stick with the old method to choose her dates.
The announcement that Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd are divorcing
has been selected as Grand Prize Winner in the 6th annual Who The
Hell Cares Competition.
R.J. Reynolds III, grandson of the founder of the R.J. Reynolds
Tobacco Company, has died of smoking-related emphysema and heart
disease. In accordance with instructions in his will, he will be
buried with 19 other people in a crush-proof box.
A Leonardo da Vinci manuscript was auctioned Friday for $30.8
million. This tops the previous auction record of $27.4 million,
for a manuscript in which Steven Seagal attempts to prove his movies
are different from one another.
Antonio Carlos Jobim, composer of “The Girl From Ipanema,” has
died. During the funeral, Jobim’s casket passed by the mourners.
And when it passed, each girl it passed went, “Aaaaaaaah…”
A Sellersville, Pennsylvania woman who weighed 1,050 pounds, is
suing a tabloid for comparing her to a baby elephant. She claims
that is one insult she will never forget.
Former President Ronald Reagan’s daughter, Patti Davis, will be
appearing naked in a Playboy kick-boxing video. This should be a
lesson for Lyle and Eric Menendez – there are plenty of ways to kill
your parents without using a weapon.
Disney Records will release an all-rap album, “Mickey Unrapped.”
One of the cuts will simply be the sound of Walt spinning in his
grave.
A Buffalo State College honor roll student was sentenced to 90
days in jail for financing her education as a $150 an hour call
girl. Or, for $75, you could have her undress while comparing and
contrasting the novels of Hemingway and Fitzgerald.
Oliver North is working on a deal to be a talk show host. He
just needs 900 more guns, which he’ll then trade for the job.
Each chapter of the Pope’s new book opens with a question from a
journalist, such as: “Does God really exist?” “Why does God
tolerate suffering?” “With so many talented actors out of work, why
is Freddie Prinze Jr. a star?”
Fossils from the oldest known human ancestor—4.4 million years
old—have been found in Ethiopia. Scientists said the species is a
mosaic of primitive and advanced features, “not unlike the bass
player for Aerosmith.”
The rock singer formerly known as Prince, has changed his name
again. He now wants to be known as “I’m Prince Again, Sorry For
Confusing Everyone—It Was A Silly Egomaniacal Mistake And I Hope To
God I Can Live It Down.”
In White Marsh, Va., the Sons of Italy plan to boycott Goodfellas
Pasta, saying the name is a well-known code to link Italian
Americans to organized crime. Boycott plans were finalized during a
meeting at the Sleep With The Fishes Café.
In Nevada, 66 teachers may lose their jobs after failing the
state’s competency exam. The teachers have issued a written
protest: “This are not faire. We is extreemly competents and be
not afraid to fighting for we jobs.”
Actor Christian Slater has been arrested for trying to carry a
pistol onto a plane at Kennedy Airport. He was charged with
criminal possession of a weapon and doing a shameless, career-long
impression of Jack Nicholson.
President Clinton made real progress on his recent tour. Of the
35,000 Latvians who greeted him, less than 8% claimed to have slept
with him.
Senator Connie Mack of Florida doesn’t want the United States to
deal with Fidel Castro. “This man is a thug… a killer… a
Communist.” Mack then elaborated, “He’s a rebel and he’ll never
ever be any good.”
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