SINGLE IN THE CITY
Dating? Think of it as job training
This week's columnist realizes the woman he ends up will get a man with many skills.
By Mark Miller, Special to The Times
The life of the single person in Los Angeles isn't all nerve-wracking pain,
disappointment and heartache. OK, that's a lie. But there are a couple of
positive things to be said about being single. For example, the world is filled
with fascinating occupations, and I've gained invaluable experience in most of
them, thanks to dating. My résumé is now 34 pages long. And that's just for the
last two years.
Don't misunderstand -- I'm not simply referring to what I've learned by hearing
about my dates' jobs, though that also would be an important source of knowledge
about a wide variety of occupations. I say "would be" because these women
generally don't have my complete attention, since, as they're speaking, I find
myself pondering one of three things:
1. What's the quickest way I can end this date without her thinking I'm a jerk?
2. I wonder what she looks like naked.
3. Of all the Three Stooges, Shemp never really got the respect he so richly
deserved.
No, I'm talking about the specific career skills I've learned, thanks to my
extensive dating lifestyle. Take my recent relationship with Sarah. Though far
from being a professional actor, I nonetheless used my finest thespian skills to
convince Sarah that my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon was, same as
hers, to take part in a public protest of some corporation's policy on animal
testing. What a coincidence! My, we simply have so much in common! And you look
so sexy holding that boycott sign!
Next, I summoned my best abilities as an amateur psychologist to make Sarah
understand that, owing to her never having received the love she so desperately
desired from her father, she was determined to find a father figure in her
romantic relationships. She wanted to understand more about her father fixation,
but unfortunately I let her know that our hour was up and we'd continue it at
the next session.
I'd always considered being a magician to be a glamorous career, and fortunately
during my relationship with Sarah, I gained loads of experience in making
single-guy things disappear. Before her first visit to my place, I made all
photos, letters, gifts and traces of other relationships vanish into thin air.
Clothes on the floor, gone. Dirt and dust, gone. Videos and magazines, the
titles of which we needn't repeat in a family publication, gone. My ear hair,
nose hair and assorted hair from additional body locations -- gone. Abracadabra!
The Great Markini has done it again!
Thanks to Sarah's being high-maintenance, I had plenty of opportunities to
exercise my skills as an accountant, estimating how much of my income I'd need
to reserve for restaurants, gifts, trips, flowers, cultural events -- you name
it. And she did. I figured out how many deductions we could take if we were
married, had kids, used a home office. I even envisioned a romantic ending: We'd
both plead guilty for involvement in a fraudulent offshore tax shelter scheme,
be sentenced to community service, and there, Sarah would change into a caring,
sensitive, low-maintenance person, telling me money doesn't matter. As you see,
I lead a vivid fantasy life.
The point is that dating offers a lot of practical experience. The woman I end
up with won't just get a man: She'll get a scientist, a security guard, a cook,
a politician, a masseur, a mechanic, a social worker and an athlete. Perhaps
that's why it's taking me so long to find her -- I want to make sure all those
guys love her as much as I do.
* * *
Mark Miller can be contacted at weekend@latimes.com.
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