FRASIER
"A Matter of Trust"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/1
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Eddie)
MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE. FRASIER IS AT THE TABLE, EATING BREAKFAST. DAPHNE ENTERS.
DAPHNE
'Morning! And how are my two favorite people with whom I'd love spending time even if I wasn't paid to be here?
DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXCHANGE HELLO WAVES.
DAPHNE
(Removing her coat) Already so deep in thought, Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
What makes you say that, Daphne?
DAPHNE
Well, your brow's a wee bit furrowed, you have that faraway look in your eyes, and the bottom of your tie is stirring your coffee.
FRASIER
(Looks down) Oh, for Pete's sake!
FRASIER YANKS HIS TIE OUT OF HIS COFFEE, SLOSHING SOME ON HIS SHIRT AND PANTS.
FRASIER
Damn! It's true. Coffee is bad for you.
DAPHNE
(Crossing to fridge) Let's try some club soda on that.
MARTIN, NOW OFF THE PHONE, CROSSES TO SIT DOWN FOR HIS BREAKFAST, AND LOOKS AT FRASIER.
MARTIN
Your clothes are filthy. If this is part of that trendy Seattle grunge look, it doesn't do a whole heck of a lot for you.
FRASIER
Thank you, Mr. Blackwell. And the Seattle grunge look was "out" fifteen years ago.
MARTIN
Thank you for making my point.
DAPHNE RETURNS WITH SOME CLUB SODA AND A RAG. SHE WETS THE RAG AND STARTS VIGOROUSLY RUBBING THE STAIN FROM FRASIER'S TIE.
MARTIN
(Gesturing toward phone) That was one of my old cop buddies. A bunch of 'em are getting together next weekend for a reunion at a resort in Oregon.
DAPHNE
Oh, Martin, that sounds lovely.
FRASIER
Yes, reminiscing about the crimes you've solved, the burglaries you've prevented, the people you've shot -- what fun!
MARTIN
Yeah, I hated turning them down. But I'm not going unless we can go together.
DAPHNE STARTS VIGOROUSLY RUBBING OUT THE STAIN FROM FRASIER'S SHIRT.
FRASIER
That's nice of you to include me, Dad, but what would I possibly have in common with --
MARTIN
I'm talking about Eddie. (Pats eddie at his side) The resort doesn't allow pets.
DAPHNE
Oh, what a shame. And Eddie could use a vacation, too. He's been looking a bit stressed.
FRASIER
Why not leave Eddie at a kennel and just go yourself?
MARTIN
Kennels are like prisons. And you know what might happen to a cute, innocent dog like Eddie in prison.
FRASIER LOOKS TO THE HEAVENS.
MARTIN
Anyway, Eddie and I have never been separated. He's like the son I never had.
FRASIER REACTS.
DAPHNE
But you have two sons.
MARTIN
They don't nuzzle up to me in bed and lick my toes -- at least, not like Eddie.
UNCONSCIOUS OF ITS STIMULATING EFFECT, DAPHNE STARTS VIGOROUSLY RUBBING OUT THE STAIN FROM THE LAP OF FRASIER'S PANTS. FRASIER REACTS.
FRASIER
Daphne, if you must do that, at least dim the lights and put on some Sinatra music.
REALIZING, DAPHNE STOPS.
DAPHNE
Martin, I've plans to vacation with my sister in Tacoma next weekend, but I'll cancel them to take care of Eddie if it means you can go.
MARTIN
That's very sweet of you, Daph, but I wouldn't ask you to do that. No, you vacation with your sister.
DAPHNE
(Enormously relieved) Oh, thank you!
FRASIER
(To daphne) Sister-shmister; this is a rare opportunity to bond with a delightful canine-American.
MARTIN
You want me out of here bad, don't you?
FRASIER
Come on, dad. A few days apart would be a refreshing change of pace for us both.
MARTIN
You can't wait 'til I'm gone.
FRASIER
Nonsense... okay, granted. But, look, I would be happy to look after Eddie for the weekend.
MARTIN
Forget it.
FRASIER
Why not?
MARTIN
You're unreliable. Tell Daphne what happened when I let you borrow my car for that camping trip.
FRASIER
I was in high school!
MARTIN
Tell her!
FRASIER
(To daphne, ashamed) It ended up at the bottom of Lake Charles.
MARTIN
And how 'bout the time I let you wear my tuxedo?
FRASIER
I was in college!
MARTIN
Tell her!
FRASIER
My date threw up all over it. Contrary to popular belief, peach brandy and Jalapeno Cheetos do not mix well.
MARTIN
Then there's that wonderful hospital experience where you "accidentally" switched my chart with my roommate's. I came this close to open-heart surgery!
FRASIER
I was in graduate school!
MARTIN
How come the more education you got, the less intelligent you became?
FRASIER
All right, I'll admit that I have, on rare occasion, been unreliable. But I'm out of school now. This is the Frasier you can count on, the new and improved, adult Frasier.
MARTIN
Didn't you put my beer in the freezer last night?
FRASIER
Dad, people change. Allow me to prove it to you.
FRASIER EXTENDS HIS HAND TO SHAKE.
MARTIN
Well... no, I can't. I'm sorry. I just don't trust you, son. Nothing personal.
FRASIER
I beg you, dad. Please give me one last chance to redeem myself. Even death row inmates get a last request.
MARTIN
No death row inmate has ever drowned my Buick.
FRASIER
Dad.
DAPHNE
Martin, he's your son.
MARTIN
I must be a glutton for punishment.
MARTIN RELUCTANTLY SHAKES FRASIER'S HAND.
FRASIER
You simply have faith in your son.
MARTIN
No, it's the glutton thing.
DAPHNE
Good for you both, working out your differences like this. If only our world leaders could do the same. Even Eddie seems pleased.
FRASIER
Well, I guess he is cute. (Sotto)...in a certain rat-like, flea-infested way. (Normal) Here, Eddie, come to Frasier.
EDDIE RESPONDS WITH A LOW, GUTTURAL, MENACING GROWL.
FRASIER
Where have I heard that before? Ah, yes. Gosh, I haven't thought of Lilith in months.
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STUDIO - LATER - DAY/1
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Gary (V.O.))
FRASIER IS ANSWERING A CALLER.
FRASIER
Glad to have helped, Pete. And I can assure you you're not the first man who accidentally saw his mother-in-law naked and now can't be with his wife without picturing the image of her obese, naked mother... No, thank you.
FRASIER PUNCHES A BUTTON ON THE CONSOLE.
FRASIER
Who's next, Roz?
ROZ SPEAKS INTO THE MICROPHONE FROM HER BOOTH.
ROZ
Line three, Gary from Kennydale. He feels he's on a downward spiral.
FRASIER PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE.
FRASIER
This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
GARY
(Monotone, depressed) I have no life.
FRASIER
Gary, I'm here to help. What is troubling you today?
GARY
I lost my job. I have no money for rent. I need an expensive operation on my back. My only friend is suing me. And I'm achingly lonely.
FRASIER
Wow. (Sotto) Where to start, where to start... Gary, is there anything at all you have for which you're thankful?
GARY
(Weeping) No! Nothing! My life is in a shambles!
FRASIER
(Beat) You do have a very nice phone voice.
FRASIER NOTICES ROZ WAVING A LARGE SIGN TO GET HIS ATTENTION. THE SIGN READS "YOUR DAD'S ON LINE 5 -- SAYS IT'S URGENT. HE SOUNDS REALLY UPSET."
FRASIER
Gary, I have some important things to say to you which just may transform your life -- right after these brief commercial announcements.
FRASIER CUES ROZ, THEN PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE.
FRASIER
Dad, are you all right?!
SPFX: SPLIT-SCREEN, MARTIN (ON PHONE) AND FRASIER.
MARTIN
I'm fine. Listen, I'm leaving in a few minutes. Here are some instructions for Eddie...
FRASIER
This is what you interrupted my show for?! You left me three pages of instructions already. Speaking of which, you can just forget about my trimming the hair around Eddie's groin.
MARTIN
I was just teasing about that. Anyway, this is stuff I forgot to put down.
FRASIER
For heaven's sake, dad, I've got a severely depressed caller holding on line three!
MARTIN
He'll hold. Everything's a crisis with you.
FRASIER
Just make it fast.
MARTIN
I've left Eddie's Worms-Be-Gone lotion on the counter. Before you massage it into him each night, warm it up a little. Eddie hates it when the lotion is too--
FRASIER
Dad, the commercial's over. Give the rest to Roz. Gotta go.
FRASIER PUNCHES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE.
FRASIER
Gary? (No response) Gary? (No response, panicked) Gary!!
FRASIER LOOKS UP AT ROZ, WHO SHRUGS.
FRASIER
Well, he's gone. (Long beat) I'd like to dedicate the remainder of the show to Gary. I didn't know him very long. I didn't know him very well. But I'm not going to forget him...
GARY
Dr. Crane?
FRASIER
Gary?!
GARY
Scared you, didn't I?
FRASIER
(Greatly relieved) Yes. Yes, you did.
GARY
(Chuckles) This is the first time I've smiled in two months.
FRASIER
And people question the effectiveness of psychiatrists.
CUT TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
(Niles, Frasier, Eddie)
THE DOOR IS BEING UNLOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE. FRASIER ENTERS, WITH NILES.
NILES
I appreciate your loaning me the book. When I find out who stole my copy of "The Encyclopedia of Cerebrovascular Schizophrenia, Volume 18," there'll be hell to pay.
FRASIER
As well there should.
FRASIER SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT. HE AND NILES REACT, STUNNED. THE CONDO IS IN TOTAL DISARRAY. THEY WALK THROUGH THE PLACE, SPEECHLESS, SURVEYING THE DAMAGE. SOFA CUSHIONS AND PILLOWS ARE SCATTERED ON THE FLOOR, WITH STUFFING COMING OUT OF THEM. TORN AND CHEWED BOOK AND MAGAZINE PAGES ARE EVERYWHERE. PAW PRINTS ARE ON THE WALLS. LAMPS HAVE BEEN KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR, BROKEN. THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR IS OPEN, ITS CONTENTS SPILLING OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.
FRASIER
Dear God in heaven!
NILES
Well, it appears that our frisky little Eddie's been up to a bit of mischief. (Amused) Ironically, the only thing left unharmed is dad's chair.
FRASIER
(Enraged, calling out) You'd better stay hidden, Hound From Hell, because when I find you, it's curtains!
NILES
That's it. Stoop to his level.
FRASIER
(Sarcastic) No, you're right, Niles. I'll indulge him. (Calling out) Come on, Eddie, I'll help you finish destroying my two thousand dollar Chesterfield sofa!
NILES
Why, there's the delightful little rapscallion now, with what appears to be one of your silk shirts.
EDDIE IS BEHIND MARTIN'S CHAIR, USING FRASIER'S SHIRT AS A CHEW TOY.
FRASIER
My Geoffrey Beane!
FRASIER LUNGES FOR HIS SHIRT, GRABS IT, AND ATTEMPTS TO PULL IT FROM EDDIE'S MOUTH. EDDIE WON'T LET GO. A TUG OF WAR ENSUES.
FRASIER
Don't just stand there, Niles, help me!
NILES
Frasier, please, I'm an adult.
FRASIER
For the love of God, the fabric was not made for this kind of abuse!
NILES
Oh, all right, but it's under protest.
NILES GRABS HOLD OF PART OF THE SHIRT.
FRASIER
On the count of three. One, two, three!
FRASIER AND NILES YANK THE SHIRT HARD. IT RIPS IN HALF. EDDIE CONTINUES PLAYING WITH HIS HALF.
NILES
It's not a total loss. Now you've got matching Geoffrey Beane hand towels.
FRASIER STORMS OFF TO THE KITCHEN. NILES FOLLOWS.
FRASIER
Destroy my home? I'll show that flea hotel.
NILES
Calm down, Frasier. Try to see things from Eddie's point of view.
FRASIER RUMMAGES THROUGH HIS KITCHEN CABINETS.
FRASIER
When Eddie pays me a hundred and fifty dollars an hour, I'll try to see things from Eddie's point of view!
FRASIER FINDS A CAN OF DOG FOOD, THEN STICKS IT ON THE ELECTRIC CAN OPENER.
NILES
It was his first day ever without dad. A classic case of separation anxiety.
FRASIER
Of course. Perhaps if you explain that to Eddie, it'll put things in perspective for him.
NILES
There's no need to get snippy.
TRYING TO PULL OFF THE CAN'S LID, FRASIER CUTS HIS FINGER.
FRASIER
Damn! That mutt gets to me even when he's not in the room.
NILES
Let me get some ice for that.
AS NILES OPENS THE FREEZER, EDDIE RACES IN AND REPEATEDLY JUMPS UP ONTO FRASIER, TRYING TO REACH THE CAN OF DOG FOOD. HIS DIRTY PAW PRINTS ARE NOW ALL OVER FRASIER'S PANTS.
FRASIER
Not my Versace suit! (Drops the can) Here, choke on it!
AS EDDIE RAVENOUSLY ATTACKS HIS FOOD, NILES HANDS FRASIER AN ICE CUBE WRAPPED IN A DISH TOWEL.
SFX: PHONE RINGS
AS FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER IT, HE TRIPS ON SOMETHING AND LANDS FLAT ON HIS BACK. NILES PICKS UP THE OBJECT FRASIER TRIPPED ON -- EDDIE'S DOG FOOD BOWL, AND SHOWS IT TO FRASIER.
FRASIER
"Man's best friend," my ass! I curse the day dogs were domesticated! Niles, would you get the phone? I'm busy spasming.
AS NILES GETS THE PHONE, EDDIE CROSSES TO FRASIER AND BEGINS LICKING HIS FACE.
FRASIER
(Repulsed) Oh, wonderful, the crowning touch! My face needed more bacteria, so this works out well.
FRASIER GETS UP, IN PAIN. AS EDDIE RETURNS TO HIS FOOD, NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE.
NILES
I took the liberty of informing Time-Life Books that you had no interest in their ten-volume series, "Mankind's Greatest Mysteries."
FRASIER
I've got a mystery for them -- what's stopping me from feeding Eddie into a meat grinder!?
NILES
Now, Frasier, don't tell me you've already forgotten your Vow of Reliability to dad.
FRASIER
No, you're right, Niles. I'll give you two hundred dollars for taking care of the little wiener for the remainder of the weekend.
NILES
Hasn't Eddie been traumatized enough, being without dad? We can't compound it by removing him from his home.
FRASIER
Five hundred dollars and tickets to "La Traviata."
NILES
It's tempting, but I don't want my place destroyed. Thank you, though.
THEY BEGIN TO PICK UP.
NILES
You know, there is a way to insure that Eddie behaves.
FRASIER
Niles, you know how I disdain electro-shock therapy. Though perhaps in this case you have a point.
NILES
I'm simply talking about getting Eddie to like you. It's the only way he'll stop this behavior.
FRASIER
You know, perhaps you're right. If I can get Eddie to like me, we'll get along, maybe even become friends. And dad will return to find I'm worthy of his trust.
NILES
Do you see now how seemingly insurmountable problems can be resolved when you have a brother with remarkable insight and three advanced degrees from Ivy League universities?
FRASIER
If only you could be everyone's brother, Niles, the world would be just a little brighter.
NILES
Dare to dream.
CUT TO:
EXT. SEATTLE STREET - DAY
(Frasier, Woman, Eddie)
FRASIER IS TAKING EDDIE FOR A WALK.
FRASIER
You and I have far more in common than we realize, Eddie. We both love to eat, to sleep, we love the opposite sex, eh?
EDDIE BARKS.
FRASIER
You dog, you! What else, let's see... Ah, we enjoy a brisk walk... our lives revolve around my dad... we're partial to the jazz stylings of Charles Mingus...
EDDIE GIVES FRASIER A PUZZLED LOOK.
FRASIER
A joke. Which is another thing I love about you, Eddie -- your zany sense of humor, which, combined with your zest for life and compassion for the downtrodden, well, is it any wonder every bitch in town wants you?
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN STOPS TO ADMIRE EDDIE.
WOMAN
Oh, how adorable!
FRASIER
(Smitten) Yes. (Recovering) Uh, yes, he's a fine dog.
FRASIER NOTICES THAT EDDIE IS RUDELY SNIFFING THE WOMAN.
FRASIER
Eddie, no! Bad dog, Eddie! Bad!
AS FRASIER REACHES FOR EDDIE, EDDIE DARTS AWAY FROM HIM, INTO THE STREET.
FRASIER
Eddie, stop!
SFX: A TRUCK COMING TO A SCREECHING STOP
SFX: EDDIE BARKING
SFX: A SMALL YELP
FRASIER DASHES TOWARD THE ACCIDENT.
FRASIER
Oh my God, Eddie!
FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE
INT. PET HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
(Niles, Frasier, Eddie, Doctor, Mrs. Schneider, Peaches)
A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN SITS WAITING, WITH HER CAT. BOTH ARE WEARING THOSE HUGE, STIFF, DEEP-DISH PIE-LIKE NECK COLLARS INTENDED TO FORCE ONE TO HOLD ONE'S HEAD UPRIGHT.
FRASIER IS PACING, NERVOUSLY. NILES IS SEATED, READING "THE NEW YORKER" MAGAZINE, AS HE SIPS FROM A RAMLOSA AND MUNCHES NONCHALANTLY ON A CROISSANT SANDWICH. FRASIER GLANCES AT NILES, RESENTFULLY.
FRASIER
To you, this is just one grand lark. You may as well be on a picnic. And why not? You're not the one who had to give Eddie CPR.
FRASIER WIPES HIS LIPS DISGUSTEDLY WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
NILES
Will you relax? Eddie's in capable hands. What's the worst that could happen?
FRASIER
Eddie dies, dad kills me, and moves in with you.
NILES
Dear God, let the foul-smelling mutt live!
FRASIER
You and your Make Friends With a Beast scheme. A fat lot of good it did me!
NILES
It once worked for me and Maris.
FRASIER
Do tell. I always assumed you'd created Maris in a lab -- some sort of primitive genetic experiment gone awry.
NILES
Frasier, that's cruel. It explains much about Maris, but nonetheless, cruel.
THE DOCTOR COMES OUT, HOLDING EDDIE, WHOSE FRONT LEG IS IN A CAST.
DOCTOR
Doctor Crane?
FRASIER/NILES
(Simultaneously) Yes?
FRASIER GIVES NILES A LOOK.
DOCTOR
Eddie's still in shock, but he'll be fine.
NILES
Yee-hah! I mean, thank you, doctor.
FRASIER TAKES EDDIE.
DOCTOR
Now, the leg is broken and the cast should stay on for six weeks.
FRASIER
Any medication for pain?
DOCTOR
(Handing frasier a note) Here's a prescription. Add one tablet to his food each mealtime.
FRASIER
I meant for me. This has made me a nervous wreck.
DOCTOR
Relax. Have some Haagen-Dazs. Eddie's very lucky. Be careful with him.
FRASIER AND NILES AD-LIB THANKS. THE DOCTOR ADDRESSED THE WOMAN WITH THE CAT.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Schneider and Peaches?
THE DOCTOR MOTIONS FOR THEM TO FOLLOW HIM INTO THE OFFICE. THEY DO.
DOCTOR
And how are we today?
MRS. SCHNEIDER
(Sweetly) I'm fat, I can't move my neck, and for the last half hour, I had to listen to those idiots (INDICATING FRASIER AND NILES). How do you think I am?
AS THEY EXIT, FRASIER AND NILES SIT. FRASIER PETS EDDIE.
FRASIER
Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever pet Eddie. (To eddie) I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken my eyes off you. Dad was right. I am unreliable.
NILES
It's not your fault, Frasier. In fact, if you like, you can tell dad it was my fault.
FRASIER
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Dad finds out it was your fault, has all the more reason to never live with you, and thus stays with me forever, keeping me in what William James termed, "the eternal state of adolescence and post-Oedipal resentment"!
NILES
You want to keep all the guilt for yourself, fine. You're clearly illustrating Franz Mesmer's Histrionic Personality Disorder, a pattern of exaggerated emotional reactions and self-dramatizing behavior!
FRASIER
How dare you! While I realize how much perverse pleasure you take in attributing to me various obscure psychoses, I must inform you that Pierre Janet tells us Mesmer originated his theories while in a deep, alcoholic stupor!
NILES
Well, isn't that the shrink calling the kettle black! Janet was one of the few psychiatrists in the world whose waiting room served as an opium den!
FRASIER
Not according to Arthur Janov! (THEN) Oh, for pity sake, Niles, we're pathetic! Can we for one moment stop quoting dead people, stop talking to each other as therapists, and start relating to one another as human beings, as brothers?
A LONG BEAT, AS FRASIER AND NILES ATTEMPT TO DO THIS. NO LUCK. THEY BOTH SIGH, SIMULTANEOUSLY. FINALLY, NILES GESTURES TOWARD THE DOOR. THEY STAND UP, WITH EDDIE, AND HEAD OUT.
NILES
Alfred Adler says silence between brothers denotes unresolved issues.
FRASIER
(Chuckling) Ugo Cerletti would differ with him there, my friend.
THEY EXIT.
CUT TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
(Frasier, Daphne, Eddie)
EDDIE RESTS IN FRASIER'S LAP ON THE COUCH, AS FRASIER PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON SIGNING EDDIE'S CAST WITH A MAGIC MARKER.
FRASIER
There. (Pointing) I drew you a tender filet mignon, a bright yellow fire hydrant, and a Fox Terrier in heat. The very things I would want for myself.
EDDIE LICKS FRASIER'S FACE.
FRASIER
You'll notice I'm not pushing you away when you lick me. Not even thinking about where that tongue's been. Later, of course, just to be on the safe side, I'll boil my face for a couple of hours.
FRASIER PLACES EDDIE BESIDE HIM ON THE COUCH.
FRASIER
Well, Eddie, I think this has been a valuable learning experience for us both. I learned the value of friendship and attentiveness, be it toward a brother or a pet. And you learned that, well, trucks hurt.
DAPHNE ENTERS FRONT DOOR, CARRYING HER SUITCASE.
DAPHNE
I'm back! Hello, Dr. Crane.
FRASIER
Daphne. How was your weekend?
DAPHNE
(Removing and hanging up her coat) Oh, it was lovely. Though my bed was a bit lumpy. Felt as though I was sleeping on squirrels.
FRASIER
No doubt one of Eddie's fantasies.
DAPHNE
(Crossing to couch) How were things with Eddie? (NOTICES cast) Eddie! What happened?
FRASIER
(To eddie) Shall you tell her or shall I? (Beat) Fine. (To daphne) In a test of wills against a beer truck, Eddie broke his leg. (LIGHtly) But you should see the beer truck.
DAPHNE
And where were you at the time?
FRASIER
Do you want the version where I was kidnapped by bank robbers, or the one where I was beamed aboard an alien space ship?
DAPHNE
The truth will do.
FRASIER
That would be the one where I shouted at Eddie, scaring him, and he dashed into traffic.
DAPHNE
Oh, Frasier. Oh, Eddie. I'm so sorry. Does your father know?
FRASIER
He hasn't called once. I could deal with it if he called and yelled at me, but this is torture. It's almost as though the man truly does trust me.
DAPHNE
How awful for you. I'd like to tell you not to worry. But Eddie's the most precious thing in the world to Martin. One could hardly blame him if he broke every bone in your body.
FRASIER
Thank you, Daphne. I'll sleep much more soundly keeping that in mind.
DAPHNE
(Noticing the chewed-up pillows) What happened here?
FRASIER
Eddie went on a rampage his first night without dad.
DAPHNE
Oh, the poor dear.
FRASIER
Poor dear? I'm the one who spent five hours putting the place back together.
DAPHNE
(In baby talk, to eddie) Nobody understands you, do they?
FRASIER
Oh, please. I just ate.
DAPHNE
How could you possibly eat with Eddie in pain?
FRASIER
He insisted. (Off daphne's look) We're starting to become friends. (Off daphne's look) As a matter of fact, yes -- hell has, indeed, frozen over.
CUT TO:
INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Eddie)
AS FRASIER ANSWERS A CALLER, HE TOSSES A SMALL RUBBER BALL TO THE CORNER OF THE STUDIO. EDDIE FETCHES THE BALL AND LIMPS BACK WITH IT TO FRASIER, WHO KEEPS REPEATING THE GAME.
FRASIER
You can rationalize it from now 'til doomsday, Brenda, but to my mind, by no stretch of the imagination, can selling your body to conventioneers, however troubled, entitle you to list yourself as a "Social Worker" on your tax forms. Thank you for your call.
HE PUNCHES A BUTTON ON THE CONSOLE.
FRASIER
Roz, do we have time for one more?
ROZ
Yes, Dr. Crane. On line four we have Leonard, from Rollingbay. His mother died recently, and he's having trouble dealing with the grief.
FRASIER PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE.
CUT TO:
INT. CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROZ IS MONITORING THE SHOW THROUGH HEADPHONES. NILES ENTERS AND GIVES A LITTLE WAVE.
ROZ
Hi, Niles. You're looking very handsome today.
NILES
Oh, I bet you say that to all the men.
ROZ
Yes, I do.
NILES
I'm meeting Frasier for lunch.
ROZ
He's nearly done. Have a seat.
NILES SITS. ROZ AND NILES OBSERVE FRASIER ENJOYING HIS GAME OF CATCH WITH EDDIE, AS HE CONVERSES WITH HIS CALLER. FRASIER'S CONVERSATION IS NOT HEARD BY NILES, AS IT IS ONLY BEING MONITORED BY ROZ.
NILES
Apparently, Frasier feels no need to devote his full attention to his callers' psychological problems.
ROZ
(Removing headphones) Excuse me?
NILES
What is going on in there?
ROZ
Oh, he's talking to a man about grieving over a parent's death.
NILES
While he's playing ball with Eddie!?
ROZ
Your brother's great at multi-tasking.
ROZ RESUMES MONITORING THE SHOW, AS NILES, A BIT MIFFED, LOOKS ON. FRASIER LOOKS UP TO SEE NILES POINTING TO HIS WATCH. FRASIER NODS, THEN SHRUGS "WHAT CAN I DO?", INDICATING HIS CALLER.
AS FRASIER CONTINUES TALKING, EDDIE LAYS DOWN ON HIS BACK. FRASIER GLEEFULLY SCRATCHES EDDIE'S STOMACH, AS EDDIE'S LEG MOVES RAPIDLY BACK AND FORTH WITH DELIGHT.
NILES
I suggested he make friends with the dog, not become intimate with him.
FRASIER MAKES A VARIETY OF GOOFY FACES AT EDDIE, IN AN ATTEMPT TO AMUSE HIM.
NILES
How a man can console a grief-stricken mourner while doing Jim Carrey impressions is simply beyond me.
FRASIER STICKS A CRACKER BETWEEN HIS LIPS, AND HOLDS IT OUT TO EDDIE, WHO BITES THE CRACKER AND GOBBLES IT UP. FRASIER REACTS, GREATLY AMUSED, THEN REPEATS THE STUNT.
NILES
This is absurd. (Getting up to leave) Have a good day, Roz.
ROZ
(Removing headphones) Niles, are you leaving?
NILES
Yes. But please do let me know how the Amuse-a-Pet Show turns out.
ROZ
What should I tell Frasier?
NILES
Say I'm delighted he's finally found his intellectual match.
NILES STORMS OUT. ROZ REPLACES HER HEADPHONES AND WATCHES FRASIER ATTEMPT JUGGLING FOR EDDIE'S AMUSEMENT.
CUT TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Eddie)
A HUGE, HANGING PAPER BANNER READS "WELCOME HOME, MARTIN!" IT IS SIGNED "FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE," FOLLOWED BY EDDIE'S PAW PRINTS.
DAPHNE
It'll never work.
FRASIER
It hides his cast, doesn't it?
PULL BACK TO REVEAL FRASIER HAS OUTFITTED EDDIE IN A DOGGIE SOCCER UNIFORM, COMPLETE WITH STRIPED SHIRT, A LITTLE SOCCER BALL ON A COLLAR AROUND HIS NECK, AND HIGH-TOP SOCKS, WHICH COVER THE CAST.
DAPHNE
"Hides"? That leg is three times as thick as the others. Your father's a senior citizen; he's not blind.
FRASIER
(Removing the uniform) Well, there's thirty-five dollars down the commode.
FRASIER PUTS EDDIE DOWN. EDDIE LIMPS INTO THE KITCHEN.
DAPHNE
Not at all. Eddie will look smashing in that for Halloween.
FRASIER
Great. I'll be a dead son zombie.
MARTIN ENTERS FRONT DOOR, CARRYING HIS SUITCASE. AD-LIB HELLOS.
MARTIN
(Noticing banner) Wow, Eddie even spelled my name right. Thanks. (Puts down suitcase) Hey, I had a celebrity cab driver. Apparently, he's the undefeated world champion of the How Many Barry Manilow Songs You Can Sing Before Your Passenger Dives Out the Window contest. I thought my head was going to explode.
DAPHNE
(Pointedly) Just wait.
FRASIER SHOOTS DAPHNE A LOOK.
MARTIN
Well, you were right, son. It was great seeing my old buddies.
FRASIER
Lotta girl talk, eh?
MARTIN
Nah, we're way beyond that. Mostly prostate talk. So, where is the little scamp? (CALLS OUT) Eddie!
DAPHNE
Now, Martin, Eddie's had a bit of an adventure, too...
EDDIE ENTERS FROM KITCHEN, LIMPING.
MARTIN
(Stunned) Eddie!
MARTIN CROSSES TO EDDIE, PICKS HIM UP AND SITS WITH HIM ON THE COUCH.
MARTIN
What happened?
FRASIER
Traffic accident. It was my fault, dad. The leg's broken. But he's gonna be okay.
MARTIN
Frasier, you let me down.
EDDIE BARKS AT MARTIN, LIMPS OVER TO FRASIER, AND LICKS FRASIER'S HAND.
MARTIN
He's taking your side?
FRASIER
We sort of bonded.
MARTIN
You're joking.
FRASIER
No. And as an added bonus, Niles is now jealous of Eddie and me.
MARTIN
You're joking.
FRASIER
I wish.
DAPHNE
Niles is very sensitive.
MARTIN
Niles needs a hobby. Badly.
FRASIER
Dad, I can't begin to say how sorry I am. It breaks my heart to let you down.
DAPHNE
Eddie was lucky.
MARTIN NOTICES ONE OF THE CHEWED UP PILLOWS.
MARTIN
What happened here?
FRASIER
Eddie missed you and trashed the place the first night.
MARTIN
Why do all my nightmares happen when I'm awake?
FRASIER
Well, Freud postulated that -- (off martin's look) -- silence is golden. Dad, I truly tried my best to take good care of him.
DAPHNE
I even had a premonition that Dr. Crane was taking good care of Eddie. It was in color, too. (Off their looks) Excuse me, I'm way overdue on my flossing.
DAPHNE QUICKLY EXITS.
FRASIER
You know, dad, being with Eddie was something of a revelation. I found that you and he share some strong traits. You're both stubborn, independent, must have your own way...
MARTIN
...eat most of our food from cans...
FRASIER
(Smiles) But being with Eddie showed me that I need to be more responsible, more patient and playful, less consumed by my own selfish needs.
MARTIN
I told you that when you were nine. You gotta find it out now from a dog?
FRASIER
Dad, I'm reaching out to you. Can't you drop the gruff exterior and be genuine with me for just a moment?
MARTIN
I am being genuine. Behind my gruff exterior is another gruff exterior. And there may be another one behind that. That's me.
FRASIER
Okay, you're angry at me. And rightfully so. I can't say as I'd be so quickly forgiving if the shoe were on the other foot.
MARTIN
Ah, son, I know you did the best you could. I'm disappointed, but I'm not mad at you.
FRASIER
You're not?
MARTIN
Of course, I can't speak for Eddie.
FRASIER
Do you forgive me, Eddie?
EDDIE JUMPS INTO FRASIER'S LAP.
FRASIER
(To eddie) Thank you. (To martin) Better not mention this to Niles.
EDDIE SHIFTS POSITION IN FRASIER'S LAP. FRASIER REACTS, PAINED.
FRASIER
(Grimacing) Eddie, if you're going to be wearing that cast, I'd better start wearing a cup.
MARTIN
You know, Frasier, if I ever lost Eddie, I'd be crushed.
FRASIER
I know that.
MARTIN
But if something serious ever happened to you or Niles, I'd be devastated.
FRASIER
Do you meant that?
MARTIN
Of course I mean that. You're my son, for crying out loud.
THEY EMBRACE.
MARTIN
And you're my dog.
MARTIN HUGS EDDIE.
MARTIN
Now, what's done is done. Let's forget the past and just get on with it.
FRASIER
Yes, by all means.
MARTIN
Of course, you understand that you owe me and Eddie big-time.
FRASIER
(Smiles) Welcome home, dad.
MARTIN
Yeah, yeah. Unpack my suitcase and bring me a beer. And Eddie a Beefy Treat.
FRASIER NODS, AND WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO