ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB - DAY
(THIS IS THE LOBBY OF THE EXPLORERS RESIDENCE CLUB, A SORT OF LOW-RENT HOTEL PROVIDING ROOMS, BREAKFAST, AND DINNER FOR ALL AGES ON A WEEKLY OR MONTHLY BASIS. SOME EVEN LIVE RENT-FREE BY WORKING THERE. IT'S A WAY-STATION FOR THOSE BETWEEN JOBS, RELATIONSHIPS, LIFESTYLES, SCHOOL DEGREES, GENDER PREFERENCES, PRISON SENTENCES -- ANY MAJOR LIFE CHANGES)
(THE LOBBY HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS, WITH A LARGE, WELL-WORN DESK, A WALL BOARD OF MAILBOX SLOTS, AND LIVING ROOM FURNITURE THAT MAY HAVE SEEMED TRENDY DURING THE EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION. OLD NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES ARE SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE COFFEE TABLE)
(ON ONE SIDE OF THE DESK, A STAIRWAY LEADS UP TO THE ROOMS. ON THE OTHER SIDE, A DOUBLE-DOORWAY OPENS INTO THE DINING ROOM AND KITCHEN)
(A POSTER ON AN EASEL READS "EXPLORERS PARTY TONIGHT! 9 P.M. CAFETERIA - BE THERE OR WE'LL COME UP TO YOUR ROOM AND GET YOU!")
(AS THE ACTION OCCURS, RESIDENTS AND EMPLOYEES COME AND GO, CHECK THEIR MAIL, CLEAN, READ, TALK)
(SUSIE ROSS, 22, A SWEET, SLOW-ON-THE-DRAW PUDDINGHEAD FROM TEXAS, IS SORTING MAIL BEHIND THE DESK. RALPH BROCK, 24, BLACK, A WELL-DRESSED PROFESSIONAL, ENTERS FRONT DOOR AND APPROACHES DESK. HE HOLDS A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS)
RALPH
Excuse me. Is this the Explorers Residence Club?
SUSIE
Um...
(CHECKING A POSTED NOTICE BEHIND HER)
Yes, sir.
RALPH
I'm here to see Donna Peterson. I'm Ralph Brock.
SUSIE
Oh! The Ralph Brock who trapped Donna in an unbearably stifling marriage?!
RALPH
Then she has spoken of me.
SUSIE
Well, I'm not one to reveal personal conversations. I'll see if she's in.
(SUSIE BUZZES HER PHONE EXTENSION, THEN INDICATES RALPH'S FLOWERS)
SUSIE (CONT'D)
Those for her?
RALPH
(SARCASTIC)
No, they're for you.
SUSIE
(TOUCHED)
That is so thoughtful.
(TAKES FLOWERS, THEN, INTO PHONE)
Howdy, Donna. It's Susie. Ralph Brock is here to see you and doesn't seem at all like the repressive obstacle to your fulfillment you called him... No, I don't believe there is a back way out... 'Kay.
(HANGS UP, THEN, TO RALPH)
She's really happy you're here. She'll be right down.
RALPH
Thanks... I imagine a woman like Donna is probably going out on dates nightly.
SUSIE
And not just a woman like Donna, but Donna herself, too.
RALPH
You're pretty sharp.
SUSIE
Well, my daddy, back in Houston, keeps me focused. Told me, "Susie, all you need is a goal, a good man, and a working flashlight."
RALPH
Words to live by.
SUSIE
'Course that was back on the farm. But even here in San Francisco, I never lose sight of my goal.
RALPH
Which is?
SUSIE
(BEAT, THINKS)
Oh, shoot. It was right on the tip of my tongue.
(DONNA PETERSON COMES DOWNSTAIRS. SHE IS AN ENERGETIC, 20 YEAR OLD, STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN. SUSIE OBSERVES THEIR CONVERSATION)
DONNA
Hello, Ralph.
RALPH
Donna. It's good to see you. Your sister told me you were staying here.
DONNA
Remind me to thank her.
RALPH
(TAKING FLOWERS FROM SUSIE)
These are for you.
DONNA
(ACCEPTING THEM)
They're lovely.
SUSIE
(SOTTO, MIFFED)
I thought so, too.
RALPH
Lovelier than the divorce papers you sent me to sign?
DONNA
Well, you know, they're not valid unless they're signed.
(RALPH, NOTICING SUSIE'S ATTENTION, ESCORTS DONNA AWAY, TO THE OTHER END OF THE DESK)
RALPH
We never mentioned divorce. It was just going to be a temporary separation.
(SUSIE FOLLOWS, MAKING A LAME ATTEMPT TO APPEAR BUSY AT SOMETHING)
DONNA
Come on, Ralph. It's over. You know it. I know it. Susie knows it.
SUSIE
(ALL INNOCENT)
Excuse me?
RALPH
I see.
(INDICATING POSTER)
You going to this party tonight? Maybe we can link up and talk about it.
DONNA
I have a new boyfriend and I'll be there with him.
SUSIE
(STUNNED)
You never said anything to me about a new...
(OFF DONNA'S GLARE)
SUSIE (CONT'D)
...paperweight. But if that's what you feel this desk needs...
RALPH
Well, I envy your new guy.
DONNA
I'm sorry things didn't work out. You'll find someone, Ralph. Take care. And sign those papers!
(DONNA KISSES RALPH ON THE CHEEK AND EXITS UPSTAIRS)
SUSIE
Land!
RALPH
Excuse me?
SUSIE
I just remembered my goal! To own my own land!
RALPH
That's a very fine goal, Susie. Now all you need is the good man and the working flashlight.
(RALPH EXITS)
SUSIE
I'm gonna write those down so I don't forget.
(WRITING)
"Working flashlight" and...
(BLANKING OUT)
Oh, shoot.
ANGLE ON KATHY AND MICHAEL
(KATHY BARNES, 25, MANAGES THE RESIDENCE CLUB. SHE IS ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT, GROUNDED, THE VOICE OF REASON, A MOTHER FIGURE DESPITE HER YOUTH)
(MICHAEL WIGGINS, 30, IS A STRUGGLING PHOTOGRAPHER FROM NEW YORK CITY. HE IS AN OPEN-MINDED MAN WHO ENJOYS THE THOUGHT OF HIMSELF AS STRUGGLING ARTISTE, AND LIVES LIFE TO ITS FULLEST)
(KATHY STANDS BY THE COUCH. MICHAEL KNEELS BELOW HER ON ONE KNEE. SHE TOUCHES A YARDSTICK TO EACH OF HIS SHOULDERS)
KATHY
Arise, Sir Michael. From this day forth, you shall stop paying rent here and become my new assistant manager.
MICHAEL
(RISING)
Lady Catherine is too kind. Do you perform this ceremony with every new employee?
KATHY
Just the men. I just love standing over them with a sword.
MICHAEL
Paging Doctor Freud.
KATHY
And think of all the extra time you'll have now for your photography.
(HE SNAPS A PHOTO OF HER)
MICHAEL
You know you're beautiful when you're paying me.
(GARY CORBIS, ONE OF THE RESIDENTS, ENTERS FRONT DOOR, IN TEARS. GARY IS 40, THIN-SKINNED, OVERLY-SENSITIVE, HIGHLY EMOTIONAL, AND OFTEN FINDS THE WORLD TOO MUCH TO BEAR)
KATHY
(GETTING UP TO COMFORT HIM)
Gary, what is it?
GARY
The ad agency I work for went bankrupt. I'm out of a job.
KATHY
Oh, Gary, I'm so sorry. Come sit down.
(ESCORTS HIM TO COUCH)
Michael's going to be our new assistant manager.
GARY
(TO MICHAEL)
Congratulations on having a job.
(BREAKS DOWN)
MICHAEL
Gary, come on, now. You have people in your life who care about you.
GARY
Oh, yeah? Last month, after seventeen years of marriage, my wife left me for our... for our... for our...
(TOO CHOKED UP TO GET IT OUT, GARY MOTIONS FOR KATHY TO TELL MICHAEL)
KATHY
Marriage counselor.
(THIS UPSETS GARY EVEN MORE)
MICHAEL
Ouch, touch break. But, trust me, you'll find another advertising job.
GARY
But I don't know if I even want to stay in advertising. Oh, I don't know what I want anymore.
MICHAEL
Hey, who does? A mid-life crisis can be the perfect time for self-evaluation. And the important thing is, you have your health.
(GARY STARTS SOBBING AGAIN. KATHY INDICATES FOR MICHAEL TO COOL IT)
GARY
I have dietary deficiencies, hay fever, a skin rash, a urinary tract infection, Epstein-Barr Virus, a hernia, the beginning of an ulcer...
MICHAEL
I didn't know.
GARY
...high blood pressure, kidney stones, bronchitis...
KATHY
Gary, I think Michael gets the picture.
GARY
...hemorrhoids...
KATHY
Gary.
MICHAEL
I guess at times like these, all you can do is count your blessings.
(KATHY LOOKS TO THE HEAVENS)
GARY
What blessings!? My therapist dedicated his book to me. It's called, "You Think You've Got Problems."
KATHY
How is therapy going, Gary?
GARY
Terribly. And you know me -- I'm no complainer. I mean, do I seem more at peace to you?
KATHY
Well, "at peace" is such a nebulous phrase...
GARY
Do I?
KATHY
Um, if you mean compared to last...
GARY
Do I? Do I? Do I?
KATHY
No.
MICHAEL
Maybe a shrink's not the answer. Maybe you just need a sympathetic listener.
KATHY
A "sympathetic listener" is not a highly-trained professional.
MICHAEL
What's wrong with having a friend? Someone who's been through life's ups and downs, and not charging a buck a minute to pretend to care.
GARY
Try a buck fifty. And forget reaching him on weekends. Like golf's more important than my pain.
MICHAEL
You can talk to me any time. No appointment necessary.
KATHY
Michael, I'm sorry. You don't have the knowledge or training to get at the root of Gary's...
GARY
Yeah, yeah, we get your point.
(TO MICHAEL)
What you say makes so much sense. Join me for a cup of coffee?
MICHAEL
I'm here for you.
(THEY EXIT TO DINING ROOM)
KATHY
(CALLING AFTER THEM)
This amateur psychology stuff is not a good idea!
GARY
(SOTTO, TO MICHAEL, INDICATING KATHY)
Boy, these gloomy gusses don't let up for a minute!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE - SCENE TWO
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB DINING ROOM - NIGHT
(THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. SOME ARE DANCING TO RECORDED MUSIC. THERE IS A TABLE OF PUNCH, HORS D'OEUVRES AND DESSERTS. MICHAEL ENTERS AND NOTICES GARY SHYLY ADMIRING AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. MICHAEL INDICATES FOR GARY TO APPROACH HER, BUT GARY IS RELUCTANT. MICHAEL REASONS WITH HIM. GARY TAKES A DEEP BREATH, AND CROSSES TO HER)
GARY
(WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY)
Hi. I'm Gary. Would you like to dance?
(CLEARLY DISGUSTED, THE WOMAN LOOKS GARY UP AND DOWN)
WOMAN
You gotta be kidding.
(THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY. CRUSHED, GARY CROSSES BACK TO MICHAEL)
GARY
I'm an Untouchable.
MICHAEL
Don't do this to yourself. Every setback is an opportunity.
GARY
Then I've had dozens of opportunities this month alone.
MICHAEL
Let's talk.
(MICHAEL LEADS GARY ACROSS THE ROOM, INTO THE KITCHEN)
ANGLE ON DONNA
(AT THE FOOD TABLE, HELPING HERSELF TO THE GUACAMOLE DIP. RALPH TAKES A CHIP AND DIPS IT)
RALPH
We always did dip well together.
DONNA
Ralph, this is a private party.
RALPH
I want you back. Donna, I'm a different man.
DONNA
I have a different man.
RALPH
Point him out.
DONNA
What?
RALPH
You said he'd be here.
DONNA
You don't believe me now?
RALPH
Of course I do. We can just catch up 'til he gets here. What did you say his name is?
DONNA
His name? We don't really use names. We're that intimate.
(ANOTHER OF THE RESIDENTS, JERRY VENTURA, HAS BEEN OBSERVING ALL THIS. JERRY, 30, IS A NEW JERSEY-BORN CON-MAN, NOT WITHOUT HIS OWN CHARMS. HE APPROACHES AND SLIPS HIS ARM AROUND A SURPRISED DONNA'S WAIST)
JERRY
Even two minutes in the bathroom seems like an eternity, if it means being away from you, my little Love Pony.
(SNUGGLES HER NECK, THEN TO RALPH)
You must be Ralph. Donna's told me so much about you. I'm Jerry Ventura.
(HUGGING DONNA)
The luckiest guy in the world.
RALPH
(TO DONNA)
Your new boyfriend's white?
JERRY
I am?
(COMPARING HIS ARM WITH DONNA'S)
Oh, man! I wish someone had told me this before.
(FINALLY RECOVERING, DONNA DECIDES TO PLAY ALONG, AND PLACES HER ARM AROUND JERRY)
DONNA
Who notices color when you're with a guy as wonderful as Jerry, my Powerful Gladiator.
(JERRY KISSES DONNA ON THE LIPS LIKE HE MEANS IT. RALPH SIGHS, TAKES OUT THE DIVORCE PAPERS, AND SIGNS THEM. DONNA FINALLY MANAGES TO PULL HERSELF FREE FOR AIR)
RALPH
(HANDING DONNA THE PAPERS)
Here you go. Nice meeting you, Jerry.
JERRY
Same here, Ralph. Hope you find your own "Donna."
(RALPH GIVES HIM A LOOK AND EXITS)
DONNA
Thank you.
JERRY
Ah, forget it.
(THEN)
You'll owe me.
DONNA
I think we're about even with that kiss -- for the next seventeen years.
JERRY
Had to make it convincing. In fact, in case he sneaks back in, how 'bout a slow dance?
(JERRY STARTS LEADING DONNA OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR)
DONNA
Fine, but the word is "dance," not "grope."
JERRY
Oh, that hurt. That really hurt. Ya try to do something nice for someone without a thought for yourself and...
(SNIFFS)
Is that perfume My Sin?
ANGLE ON MICHAEL AND GARY
(ENTERING FROM KITCHEN. THEY RUN INTO KATHY.)
KATHY
So, how's the doctor-patient relationship going?
GARY
(INDICATING MICHAEL)
I don't know where you found this guy, but he has done more for me in one day than my therapist has in four years.
(INDICATES ACROSS THE ROOM)
See that woman in the pink skirt? I'm about to give her the privilege of talking to me.
(A NEWLY SELF-CONFIDENT GARY STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY TOWARD HIS GOAL. A COCKY MICHAEL TURNS TO KATHY)
MICHAEL
It's a gift.
GARY (V.O.)
Hello, you sweet, fine thing!
KATHY
Oh, Jesus.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE - SCENE THREE
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB LOBBY - NEXT MORNING
(KATHY AND MICHAEL ARE GOING THROUGH THE ACCOUNT BOOKS BEHIND THE FRONT DESK. JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH ONE OF THE OTHER RESIDENTS, FRED TYLER, 60, A GRUFF EX-CON. FRED IS READING A NEWSPAPER)
JERRY
Fred, you've been in gangs, prisons, witness relocation programs. You've seen the dregs of humanity perform unspeakable acts. You've betrayed others and been betrayed yourself. Any regrets?
FRED
Yeah.
(PUTS DOWN NEWSPAPER AND GLARES AT JERRY)
That I sat down here.
(FRED EXITS.)
JERRY
(CALLING AFTER HIM)
Let's talk again.
ANGLE ON KATHY AND MICHAEL
KATHY
Michael, you surprised me. I doubted you could help Gary, but you proved me wrong.
MICHAEL
Thanks. I've had some experience dealing with dysfunctional people. But let's not dwell on my parents.
(RALPH ENTERS, WEARING SAME CLOTHES FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE, NOW DISHEVELED, BLEARY-EYE, UPSET)
JERRY
Hey, Ralph. Lemme guess -- you're not a morning person.
RALPH
(CROSSING AND SITTING)
I've been up all night. I'm sorry I signed those divorce papers. I really miss Donna. Could I have her back?
JERRY
Have her back? She's not a blender I borrowed. Donna's mine now.
RALPH
(HURTING)
Please?
JERRY
Look, I understand you're experiencing a loss. I think I know what you need.
(JERRY TAKES OUT A LITTLE BOOK, THUMBS THROUGH IT)
JERRY (CONT'D)
(WRITING DOWN A NUMBER)
You need Laura.
RALPH
One of your old girlfriends?
JERRY
Only if you consider twenty-two "old." Ralph, this woman will take your breath away, gift wrap it, and give it back to you in strange and wonderful ways.
RALPH
That's very nice of you, Jerry, but Donna's the only woman I want.
JERRY
Don't be so hasty. Let me tell you what Laura does for fun with some raspberry jam and a ping-pong ball.
(JERRY LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS OVERHEARING, THEN WHISPERS INTO RALPH'S EAR. RALPH'S EYES WIDEN)
RALPH
Seriously?
JERRY
Three times in one night.
RALPH
(TAKING THE NUMBER)
Well, what could it hurt to talk to her?
JERRY
My man! There ya go!
RALPH
Thanks, Jerry. I like you. By the way, what do you do for a living?
JERRY
I'm a con man.
RALPH
(LAUGHS)
A good guy and a good sense of humor. No wonder Donna fell for you.
(GIVES JERRY A PLAYFUL CHUCK ON THE CHUCK ON THE SHOULDER AND EXITS)
ANGLE ON KATHY AND MICHAEL
(SHE IS POINTING OUT VARIOUS THINGS ON THE MAILBOX WALLBOARD)
KATHY
The duplicate room keys are here, the master pass-key is here, and the utility closet keys are here.
MICHAEL
There's a lot more to this job than I thought.
KATHY
Hence the seven year training program.
MICHAEL
(LAUGHS, THEN)
You are kidding?
KATHY
Hey, you've got a message.
(SHE RETRIEVES ONE FROM ONE OF THE MAIL SLOTS AND HANDS IT TO HIM)
MICHAEL
Oh, no.
KATHY
What is it?
MICHAEL
It's from Gary.
(READS)
"Michael, I woke up today more depressed than I've ever been. As good as you made me feel about myself, I realize I still have the same problems that brought me to therapy in the first place. And so I've decided to say goodbye to the world as we know it. Nothing personal -- Gary."
(TO KATHY)
You were so right. I was so wrong.
KATHY
That's all any woman ever wants to hear. Now let's call the cops.
(KATHY PICKS UP THE PHONE)
FADE OUT:
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB LOBBY - DAY
(KATHY, MICHAEL, FRED, AND BOBBY ARE HELPING COP #1 FILL OUT A MISSING PERSON'S REPORT)
COP #1
Okay, people, now I want you to think very hard. Was there anything at all about Gary that would indicate he was in any way suicidal?
ALL
(BEAT)
Everything!
COP #1
Everything?
MICHAEL
Well, Gary was pretty much a mess personally, professionally, physically, and emotionally.
KATHY
Thanks, no doubt, to the amateur shrink work being done on him.
MICHAEL
I did help him.
KATHY
Yes, you did. And next time I need help deciding to end my life, do expect my call.
FRED
Look, the guy was a major, whining, pain in the butt. He's better off.
SUSIE
Don't say that, Fred. I like Gary.
FRED
You like everybody.
SUSIE
Is that bad?
FRED
It's annoying.
SUSIE
(TO COP #1)
Fred's real honest. I like that about him.
(COP #2 COMES DOWNSTAIRS WITH SEVERAL CLEAR PLASTIC BAGS OF EVIDENCE)
COP #2
(INDICATING BAGS)
Seven empty vials of prescription medication for anxiety and depression, a personal diary that makes the Amish seem upbeat, and a book titled, "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, Life's Not Okay."
SUSIE
What do you make of it all?
(THEY ALL GIVE HER A LOOK)
COP #1
We don't have much time to find this guy. We'll check hospitals, police stations, and the coroner's office.
COP #2
You folks can help us by checking all his favorite places.
FRED
Those are all his favorite places.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
(SUSIE GETS IT)
SUSIE
(ON PHONE)
Explorers Residence Club... Hey, Gary!
(THE OTHERS REACT)
SUSIE (CONT'D)
We were just talking about you!... Sure, let me check.
(TO MICHAEL)
Excuse me, can you talk to Gary now, or should I have him call back?
(MICHAEL GRABS THE RECEIVER FROM SUSIE, GIVING HER A LOOK)
MICHAEL
(ON PHONE)
Gary, it's Michael. Where are you?... What!?... Gary, you do not want to do that. Please, hold on. I'm on my way. Will you wait for me?... Okay.
(HANGS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR)
KATHY
What's going on?
MICHAEL
This is unbelievable. He's checked in to the Our Father of Eternal Sorrows Monastery. He wants to be a monk.
SUSIE
Cool!
KATHY
Officers, thank you. We'll take it from here. Susie, you're in charge.
(SUSIE IS OVERWHELMED WITH DELIGHT. MICHAEL AND KATHY EXIT)
FRED
Guy gets us all worked up about a suicide and instead decides to turn holy. Life's just no fun anymore.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
EXT. MONASTERY GROUNDS AND MONASTERY - ESTABLISHING SHOT - LATER THAT DAY
(A STATELY, PEACEFUL MONASTERY. THE SIGN ON THE FRONT DOOR READS "OUR FATHER OF ETERNAL SORROWS MONASTERY")
INT. GARY'S MONASTERY BEDROOM
(A SPARTAN ROOM, WITH A SIMPLE BED, DRESSER, AND TINY WINDOW. GARY, DRESSED IN A MONK'S COWL, IS COUNTING ROSARY BEADS WHILE PRAYING SOFTLY TO HIMSELF)
(SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR)
GARY
Enter, in Christ's name.
(KATHY AND MICHAEL ENTER)
MICHAEL
Gary?
GARY
Hey, my first visitors! Hi, Michael, Kathy.
(THEY EMBRACE)
I'd offer you a seat and some refreshments, but we're not exactly set up for guests here. Bible?
(GARY OFFERS MICHAEL A BIBLE. MICHAEL HOLDS UP HIS HAND, AS THOUGH TURNING DOWN A DRINK)
MICHAEL
Thanks, I'm good.
KATHY
Gary, we've come to take you back.
GARY
I'm not going back. I live here now. Later on, if I become a priest, I could be accepted as one of the monks.
KATHY
But you're Jewish.
GARY
Shhhhhh!
(SOTTO)
I'm kinda trying to play that down.
MICHAEL
Gary, come on. Do you really think you'll be happy here? It's so austere, so cold, so... so lacking women.
GARY
Okay, look, granted it's not the Pepsi teens on the beach commercial kind of happy, but it's the quiet kind. It's really restful, and I want that right now. I need it.
MICHAEL
(BEAT, TO KATHY)
Maybe this isn't such a bad place for him.
KATHY
(TO GARY)
Are you sure?
(GARY NODS, SINCERELY)
Okay. For a few days, I suppose it's a fine place to rest. But, Gary, you can't live here.
GARY
Sure I can. Brother Angelo even said they could use me on the Eternal Sorrows volleyball team. We play St. Tobias tomorrow. Do you know they have a monk who's six feet seven?!
MICHAEL
Really? Is it open to the public? I'd love to take his picture!
KATHY
Gary, I'm concerned. You can't afford to be any more withdrawn from the world. For your own health, you need to be out in the thick of life, doing exciting things.
GARY
Like what?
MICHAEL
Well, like working and dating and exploring the world.
GARY
The working and dating parts haven't panned out all that well. In here, I can explore myself.
KATHY
Look, Gary -- we miss you. Just know that if you're not happy here, when you're ready, we'll be there for you.
(KISSES HIS FOREHEAD)
GARY
Thank you.
(LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY)
If word gets out that there was a woman and kissing going on in my room, Brother Angelo will raise holy hell.
MICHAEL
Your secret's safe with us. Take care, Gary.
(MICHAEL AND GARY HUG. KATHY AND GARY HUG. KATHY AND MICHAEL EXIT. GARY LOOKS AFTER THEM, THEN RETURNS TO COUNTING HIS ROSARY BEADS AND PRAYING SOFTLY TO HIMSELF)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB LOBBY - DAY
(SUSIE IS WORKING AT THE FRONT DESK. FRED COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
SUSIE
'Morning, Fred! Beautiful day, huh? Got plans?
FRED
Yeah. I thought I'd take a romance novel to the beach and practice my modern dance at the water's edge.
SUSIE
Oh, man. I've got to work. But what I wouldn't give to join you!
(FRED REACTS)
(ANGLE DONNA)
(READING A BOOK. JERRY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND CROSSES TO HER)
JERRY
Get this -- Christina just called me. She and Ralph went out. They hit it off!
DONNA
Terrific. Congratulate him for me.
JERRY
You can do it yourself tonight. We're doubling with them.
DONNA
What!?
JERRY
I invited them to join us. They'll be here at seven.
DONNA
Jerry, just how long do you expect to keep up this charade of us being in love?
JERRY
I don't know if Ralph's completely over you. The healing process is tricky. It can take months, years.
DONNA
I'm not going to pretend to be your lover for years!
JERRY
Why not?
(OFF HER LOOK)
Okay, maybe you're right. It's not fair to lead him on this way... I got it! Let's go up to my room right now, have sex, and then we won't be lying. We owe poor Ralph at least that.
(JERRY TRIES PULLING DONNA UP. SHE WRESTLES HER ARM AWAY)
DONNA
Enough. We're telling Ralph the truth. Tonight.
JERRY
Okay. You win. The truth. Hey, why not? I like trying new things.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB DINING ROOM - EVENING
(JERRY, DONNA, AND RALPH ARE HAVING COFFEE)
RALPH
You don't really love each other?
JERRY
No, we don't.
RALPH
Wow.
JERRY
Yeah. Yeah. Turns out it's just a physical thing.
DONNA
Jerry!
JERRY
Okay, okay. It's not even that. I was just pretending to be her boyfriend to keep you away.
(RALPH REACTS, STUNNED, THEN LOOKS AT DONNA, WHO NODS YES)
RALPH
Why?
DONNA
I know how persistent you are. I didn't know how else to say no.
RALPH
You know I completely bought in to you two being together.
JERRY
(MODESTLY)
Well, I did some acting in high school. "Music Man," "Our Town"...
DONNA
Ralph, I know it was wrong, but --
JERRY
..."Romeo and Juliet"...
DONNA
-- once we started, we just got caught up in it.
JERRY
It's my sexual magnetism.
RALPH
You know, if you went to this much trouble to keep me away, I guess things really are over between us.
DONNA
Thank you for accepting that.
(RALPH AND DONNA HUG)
JERRY
No hard feelings, buddy?
(RALPH SHAKES JERRY'S HAND)
DONNA
Thanks, Jerry. Something wrong?
JERRY
I don't know. This truth-telling. I'm not used to it. Makes me feel so -- so dirty. Speaking of which -- you like bubble baths?
(DONNA HUGS JERRY. SUSIE POKES HER HEAD IN)
SUSIE
Oh, there you are, Jerry. You just got a call from an Emily.
JERRY
That's my girlfriend.
(TO RALPH)
My real girlfriend.
SUSIE
Uh-oh.
JERRY
"Uh-oh"? What "uh-oh"?
SUSIE
Well, when she asked when you'd be back, I said "at the latest, before his double-date tonight."
JERRY
You what!?
SUSIE
(CRINGING)
You know, the double-date I heard you and Donna talking about a little earlier.
JERRY
Oh my god.
SUSIE
Emily knows some very colorful language.
JERRY
That she does. This one's gonna take some fancy talking.
(BIG SMILE)
God, how I love a challenge!
(JERRY EXITS)
DONNA
Five bucks says it's over.
RALPH
Another five if he comes back with a black eye.
SUSIE
So how much do I owe you all together?
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB LOBBY - LATER
(KATHY AND MICHAEL COME DOWN THE STAIRS.)
KATHY
Thank you so much for all your help today.
MICHAEL
I'm trying to make a good impression on the boss.
KATHY
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
From what I hear, sucking up really works on her.
MICHAEL
Oh, come on, she's way too beautiful, capable, insightful, and creative to fall for that kind of thing.
KATHY
(TOUCHED)
Really?
(GARY ENTERS)
GARY
I'm back.
(KATHY AND MICHAEL AD-LIB GREETINGS AND HUG GARY)
GARY (CONT'D)
It was good to get away. But it was time to return. There's so much I want to do.
MICHAEL
The monks were okay with your leaving?
GARY
Oh, yeah. Though Brother Angelo was inconsolable. You know, I think that's the first heart I've ever broken.
KATHY
May it be the first of many.
(BEAT)
That didn't come out right.
GARY
Kathy, could I talk to you?
KATHY
Of course. You know, for what it's worth, I did take several psychology courses in school.
GARY
It doesn't surprise me. I sensed there was a depth to you.
KATHY
Thank you. Excuse us, Michael.
(MICHAEL WATCHES OPEN-MOUTHED AS KATHY AND GARY CROSS TO DINING ROOM)
KATHY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh, yeah, I took Re-Birthing, Past-Life Therapy, Gestalt...
GARY (V.O.)
Primal Scream?
KATHY (V.O.)
Sure, a bit.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
INT. RESIDENCE CLUB DINING ROOM - NIGHT
(DINNER IS BEING SERVED. DONNA IS EATING BY HERSELF. JERRY APPROACHES WITH HIS TRAY)
DONNA
Hey. How did things turn out with Emily?
JERRY
Ah, she wouldn't give me another chance. And I tried everything. I apologized. I bought her a gift. I told the truth. That hurt. I even, and this was the hardest -- cried.
DONNA
You cried?
JERRY
Well, as close as I can come to it. There was definitely moisture.
DONNA
I'm sorry.
JERRY
Thanks... Y'know, Donna, all the time I was pretending to be your guy, I was thinking how great it would be to be your guy for real.
DONNA
Oh, Jerry, that's so sweet.
JERRY
I really like you. Do you think we could go out some time?
DONNA
Jerry, you're very vulnerable right now. Emily hurt you. And you're channeling that hurt into feelings for me that were never there before.
JERRY
But they're here now. I mean, granted, I'm a despicable con-man who's never had an honest relationship in his life. And you're a beautiful, smart, genuine woman who deserves the very best. But maybe we'd be good for each other.
(OFF HER LOOK)
Or not.
(DONNA KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND STARTS TO LEAVE)
JERRY (CONT'D)
Donna, would you mind if I fantasized about us?
DONNA
Yes, I would.
JERRY
Then I'll respect your wishes.
(AS DONNA EXITS, JERRY CLOSES HIS EYES AND STARTS FANTASIZING. A SMILE SLOWLY SPREADS ACROSS HIS FACE)
ANGLE ON KATHY AND MICHAEL
(AT ANOTHER TABLE, EATING. THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL BOUQUET OF FLOWERS)
KATHY
(INDICATING FLOWERS)
Gary sent me these.
MICHAEL
Do I sense the beginning of a little residence club romance? "Mrs. Gary Corbis." Or will you be keeping your maiden name?
DONNA
You're obviously jealous of my astounding insight into human nature.
MICHAEL
What, the fact that you helped him and I couldn't? Doesn't bother me a bit. I'm that secure.
DONNA
Michael?
MICHAEL
All right, it's killing me.
(A UNIFORMED HIGHWAY PATROLMAN ENTERS)
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
Is there a Kathy Barnes here?
KATHY
Right here.
(THE OFFICER CROSSES TO SIT BESIDE HER; SHE AND MICHAEL EXCHANGE LOOKS)
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
I have a Gary Corbis out in the patrol car with my partner.
KATHY
He was just fine this morning. What happened?
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
We spotted him standing in the center lanes of the Golden Gate Bridge, in his underwear, singing selections from "West Side Story."
KATHY
Oh my god.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
Backed up traffic for miles. Apparently had some sort of breakdown and just keeps babbling, "I'll be okay, Kathy; I'll be okay, Kathy."
(KATHY TURNS TO MICHAEL, WHO IS STIFLING A CHUCKLE)
KATHY
Don't say it.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
We're going to take him in for observation, but he begged to see you first.
KATHY
Of course. Thank you.
(AS KATHY, MICHAEL, AND THE PATROLMAN GET UP AND CROSS TO EXIT, THEY HEAR:)
GARY (V.O.)
(SINGING)
"When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dying day..."
MICHAEL
(TO KATHY)
We musn't blame ourselves.
KATHY
Agreed. With some professional help, and perhaps a few singing lessons, he's going to be just fine.
GARY (V.O.)
(SINGING)
"When you're a Jet, if the spit hits the fan, you got brothers around, you're a family man..."
(AS KATHY, MICHAEL, AND THE PATROLMAN EXIT, WE:)
FADE OUT: